Merry Christmas, Charlie Brown

This year, I got lots of good presents, including music from iTunes, some great books, and a really beautiful cashmere sweater. But the best gift was to be at home with my family, singing carols around the piano. Happy holidays to all my imaginary readers out there in the land of intertubes. And happy new year.

--HOUSE OF PAYNE

The sickness is deep

Baby, if you've ever wondered... wondered why I despise Ron Paul... I'll tell you one reason why: Many of his most ardent fans are psychos.

Here's an example. Lots of political blogs have noticed that Ron Paul has taken money from neo-Nazis, and that conspiracy nuts and white supremacists are proudly claiming him as the candidate that represents their views. Paul has generally not repudiated these supporters or their views, or given the money back. That's bad.

But it gets a lot worse. The Paulbots have figured out that people are judging The Only Man Who Can Save America by the company he keeps. In other words, lots of voters might get the idea that Ron Paul is a paranoid anti-semite. So, what do they do? They accuse everyone else involved of being a conniving Jew.

White supremacists who say they like Ron Paul? Jews.

Right-wing bloggers who expose the links between Ron Paul and white supremacists? Also Jews.

Other mainstream bloggers and media organizations who criticize the first bunch of bloggers? You might think that these are the good guys, since they are on the same side as Ron Paul. But they're Jews, too-- playing a very deep game. I wish I were kidding, but here's a quote:

It should be obvious that LGF is a Zionist operation, but that doesn't mean you can trust people who expose the lies of LGF.

...none of these groups are willing to expose the Iraq war, Zionism, 9/11, the Holocaust lies, the Apollo moon landing hoax, or any other crime.

...Some of the people who criticize the critics of Ron Paul are Zionist agents, also.

The Zionists are trying to control every side of the issue so that no matter who you decide to trust, you are trusting a Zionist Jew. The only solution is be suspicious of everybody!

Wow. That's USDA Grade-A Choice Psycho. And let me just say that blaming your troubles on scheming Jews is not a good way to prove that you are not an insane neo-Nazis. Which is why we have to suspect that the real conspiracy runs even deeper.

Want to know the real truth? It's too deep and dark for me to see it in its entirety, but let me just say that I have begun to suspect that those of Ron Paul's supporters who say that Nazis, anti-Nazis, and anti-anti-Nazis are all Jewish agents are in fact themselves the real Jewish agents! DUN DUN DUNNNNN!

Or maybe Ron Paul and his fans are all a bunch of loons.

--JOHNANN F. WEISSHAUPT

Nativity

The Lakota have declared independence. They have informed the State Department that they are withdrawing from their treaties with the US. I'm not sure how that works, from the standpoint of international law, but it will be interesting to see how this plays out.

--JAN DEPAUW

Rise and shout

BYU is a funny place.

--PROFESSOR SMARTY PANTS

(Update 10:45 AM : Every Zoobie should read this.)

Western?

So, I took another useless internet quiz, and this one tells me that I have a Western accent. But I am not sure how well to trust it, because after I thought about it and changed one answer, it said I had a "neutral" accent, by which it seems to mean Midwestern.

What American accent do you have? (Best version so far) Western Western is kind of neutral, but not quite since it's still possible to tell where you're from. So you might not actually be from the West (but you probably are). If you really want to sound "neutral," learn how to say "stock" and "stalk" differently.

Click Here to Take This Quiz Brought to you by YouThink.com quizzes and personality tests.

Go ahead and give it a try yourself, and see if you have a distinctive accent of some kind. (And feed your results into the map.) But I think most of our accents and dialects are dying, because people move around a lot, and everyone watches the same TV and movies. It's a tragedy.

--GILBERTO BENITEZ

Good country people

An Indian holy man seems to have lost his leg in a rather unusual way after getting drunk with a couple of unscrupulous con men. I wonder what Flannery O'Connor would say?

--"SUNSHINE" DAVE RAHIMI

How did it come to this?



So, apparently Gov. Mike Huckabee is now in the lead in the Iowa polls. I have two comments. First, I agree with Ace that this is bad news for Romney. My homeboy Mitt has put over seven million dollars into Iowa and if he doesn't win, his campaign will be mortally wounded. This would kill his chances of getting a veep nod, or probably even a cabinet seat.

Second, how many former governors of Arkansas can we as a country allow to become presidents of the United States? Seriously, people. My preference would have been zero. We can't help the fact that we've already had one, but let's not do two.

Frackin' razorbacks.

Which reminds me: I have a movie to watch. Sweet.

--JOHANNES CLERK

Advice for stupid hippies

Step one: Lead by example. Get married or cohabit as soon as you can, and then stay married, for the good of the planet. But please make sure you don't have any children, because they're bad for the environment. And of course you're going to have to live in poverty, because consumption will destroy the Earth.

Step two: Get everyone else to do the same. This is going to be tough, since your miserable condition will be pretty obvious. I would recommend being really shrill, and endlessly prophesying doom for non-believers (you know, like the religious nuts you hated in high school), but you guys seem to have this down pretty well already. So really, it's all about step one for now. Start by giving away the computer which you are currently using to read this-- they can be as bad for global warming as an SUV.

Of course, I won't be joining you. Not that there's anything wrong with what you're doing, but it's just not my lifestyle. I was born this way. Don't judge me.

--FABULOUS J